Forgiving When You Don’t Want To: A Faithful Struggle

I know what Jesus says about forgiveness. I know I’m supposed to do it. But sometimes (a lot of times), I flat-out don’t want to. Sometimes the hurt is too deep. Sometimes the apology never comes. Sometimes I’d rather sit in my anger than “turn the other cheek.”

People who know me might say I’m the queen of holding grudges. I can go years without forgiving someone. I might even pray for that person and smile at them in public. But in my heart, the resentment is still growing.

“If I forgive, it feels like I’m saying what they did was okay.”
“Well, they didn’t apologize.”
“I’ve forgiven before, and they did it again.”
“What if forgiving them costs me more than it heals me?”
“Why should I let go when they’re not even sorry?”

If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Forgiveness is one of the hardest commands Jesus gives, and He knew it would be.

What Scripture Teaches About Forgiveness

Jesus doesn’t say, “Forgive when it’s easy,” or “Forgive when they apologize.” He simply commands forgiveness:

• Matthew 18:21–22—“How many times should I forgive? Seventy times seven.”
  Even when forgiveness feels endless, Jesus calls us to keep choosing it.

• Luke 23:34—Jesus forgave while being crucified.
  He modeled forgiveness at the ultimate cost, showing us that no offense is too great for God’s grace to cover.

• Colossians 3:13—“Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”
  Our forgiveness isn’t optional—it mirrors the mercy we’ve received.

These verses remind us that forgiveness isn’t about timing, fairness, or even feelings. It’s about obedience.

Forgiveness Is Not Weakness

Forgiveness doesn’t mean:

• Trusting the person again immediately

• Erasing the hurt

• Saying the offense was okay

Forgiveness is:

• Obedience to God

• Letting go of the offense’s grip on your heart

• Creating space for God to move in your life

You can forgive and still feel angry. You can forgive while still hurting. That doesn’t make your forgiveness invalid. It makes it honest.

Why Forgiveness Is For You, Not Them

Here’s the hardest truth: forgiveness isn’t about them. It’s about you.

You might have heard some variation of the saying, “Not forgiving is like drinking poison and then waiting for the other person to die.” Holding onto grudges keeps you trapped in the pain, but it doesn’t hurt the person who wronged you. It only harms your heart and spirit.

Forgiveness loosens that grip. It frees your heart and makes space for healing, spiritual growth, and peace, even if reconciliation isn’t possible.

Forgiveness doesn’t erase the past, but it does something eternal. It invites God’s presence into the hurt and transforms your heart from bitterness to something holy.

Practical Steps for Forgiving the Hard Way

If you’re struggling to forgive someone today, here are some steps that can help:

1. Be honest with God—Admit the pain, anger, and resentment you feel.

2. Ask for His help—Pray for the desire to forgive, even when it feels impossible.

3. Place it on the altar—Symbolically give your grudge, wound, or frustration to God.

4. Choose obedience—Forgive even when your feelings resist.

5. Pray for the person—When you’re ready, ask God to bless the one who hurt you.

Even small, honest steps matter. God can make even our resistance holy.

I still don’t always want to forgive. But when I place my grudges and pain on the altar, I trust God can make even that holy. Forgiveness is hard, messy, and often invisible, but it frees the soul in ways nothing else can.

If you’re struggling with forgiveness, take a moment to pray, release the burden, and let God begin the work in your heart. You don’t have to feel ready. You just have to choose obedience and trust that He can handle the rest.

And if you need to talk about it, I'm here. Reach out any time.